Round 3

I knew that the third day was probably going to be the hardest.

I woke up on the third day feeling pretty okay. I was definitely dragging ass, but a bit of framboise later and a few glasses of water to go with it, I was feeling a little bit better. So, off to a day of work at the brewery, mostly doing odd jobs that no one else has the time to do and helping out on the bottling line a little bit.

The day was going well. Got some cleaning and reorganizing done that had been sort of half-assed by someone else doing their best to finish the job so they could clock out. Things were going well after a few more bottles to pump up the energy levels a little bit. Made sure to have plenty of water to keep the warehouse heat at bay. Then bottling started. They were doing 12-packs of 420, their most popular brew. They have a case gluer that they've been fighting with for at least 2 years. It sucked ass then, it's not much better now. It's like a good woman, it works for a few minutes, then it gets bored (think homonyms). Yeah, it was pretty much fucking up every other case that come through, tearing lids off of some, tipping others on their sides and compressing the bejesus out of them. Needless to say, we couldn't keep using the temperamental bitch. So, we had to resort to hand taping each case, hand dating them for expiration and load them onto pallets. Usually only the pallet loading is necessary. So it required more manpower. And I ended up being one of the dater/pallet loaders. So after my 10th pallet of 72 cases, I was totally zonked. I was teetering on an edge mentally. You know, sort of like when you've had a few too many and you start to realize it. You're aware, but that awareness comes with the side effect of not having a fucking clue as to what your body is doing. And I was extremely nauseous. I felt like I was going to throw up (what did I have to throw up?) and pass out at the same time. And passing out on a brewery floor is not something to look forward to. Broken glass, sanitizer, random dirt mostly from pallets, etc.

So faced with a choice between sticking to my principles and being a shitty employee versus caving in at the 60 hour mark, I had to cave. This time. I know, I'm such a loser. I feel like Mike Tyson but without the necklace made of ears and not having to rape to get laid. If I had nothing to do except hang out around the house for most of the day, I feel like I could have beaten it. All of this buildup to fail well before the halfway point.

But failure has its rewards as well. No, not being branded a pathetic piece of crap. See, we got invited to go see the Paul Simon show at Chastain Park Amphitheater last evening by some friends that we tailgate with at Tech football games. When I found this out on Monday evening, I was very disappointed. Why? Because of this guy, half of the couple that invited us. And when you go to a concert venue where you're expected to bring your own food and beverage with a guy who was the executive chef of a major restaurant in Atlanta, and all you've been asked to bring is beer and dessert, you can imagine what a treat you are in for. Keep in mind that for the Georgia game last year, he cooked a whole fucking baby pig and about half of a cow and enough "side dishes" (most of them could be consumed as a main course) for a small platoon, or at least the 60 or so people that tailgate in our area. So the reward of being a big, fat, failing, faggoty-ass fuckstick was that I got to eat some divine food (think curried chicken salad, beef tenderloin with chef's special horseradish sauce, "orgasmic" rolls as descrbed by Chris' wife prepared by the pastry chef at Canoe where Chris currently works, and a wine from 1927 that tasted like smoking raisins in a fine cigar's tobacco wrapper) So being a loser has its benefits.

But for those of you that are wondering what would have happened if I had been able to finish, just keep checking in every so often. I'm going to do this sometime before the end of next summer. I just have to plan better and probably do a little more training. Training to drink beer? Exactly! I'll keep posting over at SudsPundit in the meantime and I'll holla' at ya' when it's on like Donkey Kong!

24 hours later

By this time, Jack Bauer would have averted a global catastrophe, been at least indirectly involved in the death of several dozens of terrorists, and gotten laid. But me? I'm a just hero for the common man.

So here I sit 24 hours into one of my stupidest yet most exciting scientific experiment to date. So, let me share the results of Day 1 and a little bit more detail about my plan as it really hadn't been thought out too well before I jumped in.

Day 1 Meals

1. 12 oz. New Glarus Raspberry Tart
2. 16 oz. Dirty Turtle (1/2 Guinness, 1/2 Terrapin Rye Cream Ale)
3. 16 oz. Blue Moon Belgian White Ale
4. 12 oz. Sweetwater Georgia Brown
5. 12 oz. Rogue Imperial India Pale Ale
6. More water than I've ever consumed in one day

First, I realize that I had nowhere near the caloric intake that I needed for the day. I can get away with it for the one day I think because I had quite a bit at a barbecue on Sunday, probably more than my recommended daily allowance. I think that the main problem was a combination of the lack of pre-planning and management of the pangs of hunger that beer consumption made even worse, hence the copious intake of water. As for the hunger pains, I compare the pain to giving childbirth without the vaginal tearing, except higher up, without the blood loss and not nearly as painful. It was intense. Especially when I tested my will power by preparing dinner for my wife and two of our friends. Damn, those Mexican beans smelled awesome. But not a bite did I consume. Self-test #2 complete. Self-test #1 was watching the same two friends consume delicious looking strombolis at a local pizza joint while I sucked down two beers and two glasses of water.

So if I had thought this out more thoroughly beforehand, I would have recorded my weight at the very beginning of the regime. But due to the fact that I didn't have a scale, it was kind of hard to do that. I suppose I could have set up a crude experiment to weigh myself in rocks or grams, but those units would have been absolutely useless to you. So I went out an bought a scale that measures weight and % body fat. I don't know if a $30 scale can measure a significant change in % body fat over the course of a week but I'll keep the data, regardless. I did three readings on the first try and basically I've been reduced to having a machine tell me that I'm too fat. As in too much body fat. Which is disappointing considering how much more I've been going to the gym lately. Or maybe it was higher before, in which case I'm better off than I was 6 months ago. Which also lets me know what some of my priorities should be as soon as I'm done with this escapade. So here is the data that I'll be starting each new day's entry with from this point forward.

Weight: 213.8 lb.
%b.f.: 28.0%

I think I'm going to have to create a few more guidelines for this diet now that I've been able to figure out some of the problems.

1. Have at least one citrusy beer so I can have citrus fruit juice from the wedge that accompanies. I think it should be reasonable to have lemon with my water as well, mostly for those of you concerned with my C vitamin intake.
2. It ends Sunday, July 23 at 7:00 pm. That'll make seven days to the date without food if you'll grant me the exception of the ice cream bar I had at about 9:30 last Sunday evening, before I decided to start Monday morning.
   

To be honest, I feel really good this morning. Better than I expected to at least. I can't remember the last time I peed this much. I was thinking it would be interesting to record the volume, but then I realized that it's just too gross.

As for today's plan, I'm about to start brewing a batch to be ready for the beginning of football season. For more details on that, head over to SudsPundit a little bit later.

It's On Like a Chicken Bone!

The problem with having too much time on your hands is that you eventually have so much time that you start entertaining those way-too-crazy ideas. After reconsidering the costs of installing a fireman pole from the third story down to the garage I had to consider a project that would actually fit within my budget constraints. So an idea that I had last year (likely the child of a rumor I had heard) came to mind mostly due to the fact that I recently found part-time employment at the local brewery. So starting today, I'm following through on one of my craziest, self-endangering ideas to date. I'm starting The Liquid Diet. No, not the one where you drink health shakes as that topic has no place on a beer-related blog. Do you see where this is going yet?

Yes, it's The Liquid Diet. The one that you've dreamed of since you...well, never. The diet that starts and ends with beer and goes until one of the following criteria are met:

1. A verifiable gain/loss of weight is recorded.
2. I crave solid food so much that I'd actually win in a fight with a fat lady at the buffet.
3. I cough up my liver.
   
4. My sphincter blows out thanks to the lack of its usual semi-solid shock absorbers. There is a reason they're tapered at both ends.
   

Hopefully, condition #1 will be met first and I won't have to resort to numbers 3 & 4.

But I want to be somewhat intelligent and balanced about doing an all beer diet, if there is such a statement. For example, my first meal today is starting with a fruit beer. Fruit is a generally accepted breakfast food, right? So I'm starting with a Raspberry Tart from the New Glarus Brewing Co. that I visited last summer. And the other smart step I've decided is requiring an equal amount of water to be consumed after each beer. This should help to curb the diuretic effect of alcohol along with hopefully minimizing the negative effects on my liver, not that I'm a doctor or anything.

Not a lot to write about just yet as this only started about 15 minutes ago. So I wrap up this entry with a list of questions that our loyal readers and contributors may be able to help with:

• Anybody know where I can find info on where this may have been done before?
• Anybody know of a good site where one can find comprehensive nutritional info for beers?
• Know of any relevant scientific studies regarding the nutritous benefits/detriments of beer?
  
• Do you want to contribute a meal plan for one of my dieting days? Keep in mind that the beers have to be locally available and my ZIP code is 30060. The selection ain't great, but it's better than it was a few years ago before Georgia lawmakers repealed the 6.0% content law.
  

Cross-posted over at SudsPundit.